If you haven’t realized already that your father is a cheap-skate (the underwear hand-me-downs should have been a clue), then it’s time that you face reality.
For example, when they say “extended wear” contacts, I figure that’s what they mean. Therefore, my contact lenses last a good two years – not the two weeks typically prescribed. (That’s also why in a recent eye exam, the money-grubbing, optometrist pig accused me of having an ulcerated cornea.)
Well, I may go sightless the rest of my life – but at least I got my money’s worth on those contacts!
Which leads me, naturally, to a discussion on shaving.
The Sorry State of Your Hairs
It’s time that you knew that regardless of how much you’ve hoped and prayed, wished and wept – I’m sorry – you have been cursed with Packard Peach Fuzz. In short, nobody will ever accuse you of being a man based on your facial hair. You will never enjoy a shadow at 5 o’clock – or any other hour of the day – regardless of how long you put off shaving.
Consequently, those 16 and 24 packs of disposable shaving heads should last you long enough to bequeath them to the second and third generation of your posterity. Unless, of course, you choose to marry someone with more facial hair than you (good luck with that one).
But here’s a little secret on how to help those shavers last as long as love should – more than a couple weeks.
No, don’t turn around from the mirror and start shaving!
What I mean is, every once and awhile, use your shaver like a brush instead of a shaver.
Sometimes You Rub It The Wrong Way
You see, over time your shaving blades will get little nicks and bumps in them. This will make them dull, causing them to catch and tear the facial flesh. You end up having to press harder to get the same close shave – with the potential for even greater bloodletting. Now, some may be tempted to simply throw away their shaver, opting for a newer, exceedingly sharper one. Well, if you do that – and you’re in the habit of pressing harder from a dull blade….we’re talking bloodbath, baby!
Shave backwards about once every month, or as often as needed. Here’s what you do: put your arm out in front of you, then take your shaver and instead of pulling it toward you as if to shave the hair on your arms, push it away. Push your shaver over the unmanly hair on your arms several times. What this does is smooth out those nicks and bumps on your old blades – so they live to shave another day.
Here, let me show you:
As Nike said – and Pres. Kimball said better – do it! You, your wallet, and your shaving posterity will be glad you did.
If you got anything out of this lesson, then you may get something out of this: Life’s Little Lesson #1: Watch For Closet Infidelity